Mother’s Day

I know Mother’s Day has come and gone, but these words have been swirling around my head for most of this week. So here it goes…

I never liked Mother’s Day growing up. I didn’t have a bad mother or anything like that to make me dislike that day. So now that I’ve cleared that up, here’s why I didn’t like Mother’s Day: it made my mom sad, which made me sad. I was a child then and a bit selfish in my thinking and how I saw things. My mom was sad because she was never with her mom on Mother’s Day. And she wouldn’t come to church either. I didn’t like sitting in church watching other families pay tribute to their moms, while my mom was at home. And the one Sunday she did come for Mother’s Day, was when I got asked to write and recite a poem for that day. But she was late and had to sit in the overflow, so in my mind, my mother failed me the one time I really needed her. But we’ll come back to that later.

Now that I’m a mother, I still don’t really care for the day, by man oh man, do I understand the sadness my mother felt See, it’s not that my mother didn’t want to be present on Mother’s Day, it was that she missed her mother’s presence. While we were in California, my grandmother was in Louisiana. My childish mindset was, “Get over it, you made the decision to move. Get over it, you have children of your own now.” Did I ever mention how much of a jerk I was growing up?

Anyway, we still made the best of Mother’s Day. We got my mom gifts and cards and had dinner. But I let her being sad and not coming to church overshadow the joy I could have had on those days. But I’m not a child anymore. I’m a grown woman with two beautiful little terrors I get to call my children and I understand my mom a little more. I understand her sadness. And I was wrong to get mad at her for something I had no ability to comprehend. I ignored the fact that my mother was alive and well and a human being with feelings and I was not gracious. Now, I’m not beating myself up because I was child and I comprehended the world around me the way a child would. But this past Mother’s Day, I understood my mother’s feelings. We don’t live thousands of miles apart, but we’re five hours away from each other and that’s still too great a distance for me.

So back to that time my mom was late coming to church and had to sit in overflow and I was mad at her for it. There are two things I never took away from that until fourteen years after it happened. The first was that my mom was there for me even when I didn’t see her. Every word I recited, she heard, and she was proud of me.  The second was that my mom was there for me…period! On her good days, on her bad days, she was there. And I want to be there for my children like she was there for me.

I don’t care for Mother’s Day because I don’t feel like there should be one day out of the year where everyone makes a really big deal about their mom.  A really big deal should be made about mother’s every day of the year! This year, Mother’s Day was special because I had two children where last year I had one! This year Mother’s Day was special because I get to hear myself be called, “Mommy.” This year Mother’s Day was special because my love and admiration for my own mother grew even more. I want to be there for my children the way my mother was and is there for me.

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Size Sexy

If there was one thing I absolutely hated hearing after giving birth to Savannah and Austin was this, “You don’t even look like you had a baby. You make me sick.” And then there was the variation of, “You disgust me. I still have baby weight. You don’t even look like you had a baby.”

Now, for the record, yes, I know I irritate a lot of women. After I gave birth to Savannah, I weighed less than before I was pregnant. After I gave birth to Austin, I may have retained a couple of pounds. Here’s the thing though, before giving birth to children, my weight maintained at about 137 pounds. After giving birth to Austin, I went up to 160 pounds. At the present moment, I’m at 154 pounds. And again, I can hear some women saying, while rolling their eyes, “Big deal!” Well, here’s the thing again, IT IS A BIG DEAL!!! I have always had a high metabolism, I have always maintained an active lifestyle, and my pant size never went above a size seven depending on the brand of the jeans. The comments of “you make me sick” were a big deal because I was not handling my post baby body very well. I didn’t like how I looked, I didn’t like how I felt, my clothes didn’t fit the way they used to, and I had to do the one thing I don’t like doing, and that’s shop for new clothes, especially jeans. My size seven jeans shot up to a size 11 and I had to learn how to be okay with that.

Words hurt. And when hormones are all over the place, back-ass-ward “compliments” like “You don’t look like you had a baby” don’t help. I may not look like I had a baby almost five months ago, but I see it everyday when I look in the mirror. I feel it when shirts are still too tight and jeans don’t want to cooperate. The statements of “You disgust me” don’t help because I felt very disgusted with how I looked when I was in front of a mirror. In conclusion, women just need to learn how to keep their vain thoughts to themselves. Like I said, yes, I know I irritate a lot of women because the only weight I gained was the baby itself. But I don’t need to hear that when the theme song to some show on Disney Junior brings me to tears. I don’t need to hear it at all. No women does. From one woman to many other women, if your words sound like you’re about to make another woman feel bad about herself, then shut all the way! Figure out a way to keep the words from coming out of your mouth.

It doesn’t matter what a woman’s body type is, words like “You disgust me” are hurtful. They will always be hurtful. To have the mindset that you “disgust” other women because of your body type is not a healthy mindset to have. So get rid of it. Embrace your sexy, whatever that may be to you.

I plan to lose some more weight and I plan to get back in shape. That also means I need to change my eating habits. I want to be healthy and have the necessary energy to keep up with two small children who don’t like to keep still. I don’t cringe as much as I used to when I look at myself in the mirror. But I have started reminding myself that I am beautiful. And I believe my husband when he tells me I am beautiful.

Girl, Chill

So, I am very good at overthinking just about everything. It’s quite the talent. If you need any pointers on how to be a professional over thinker, just let me know and I’ll be more than happy to help!

Now in saying that, we’ve begun a series in Bible Study watching Beth Moore’s “The Basket Case” and man, two weeks in and I already feel myself being less anxious about the things around me. Actually after the first week, I was so calm, my response to my husband, Matt, over a text message started a thread of argumentative responses that ended with me crying over the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I was making for my two-year-old, Savannah. Not to mention my five month old, Austin, was waking up from his nap and the last thing I needed to do was become undone because my husband fired off some “mean” responses. Remember, I’m an over thinker and the last thing I needed to do was work myself up thinking of some responses to fire back at the love of my life. I did have the final word by using his words against him and agreeing that in the moment he was being the bad guy after the text before that told him he made me cry…

Twenty minutes after I told him he was the bad guy, he text back asking if I wanted him to bring me coffee home and of course I said, “Yes!” Here’s the crazy thing though, I was calm when I responded. I didn’t feel my anxiety rise at the thought of him coming home and round two taking place! It turned into a civil conversation and he saw where the misunderstanding came on his part. And I realized that my calm demeanor didn’t really translate well in text. It came across as a little passive and I really wasn’t going for that.

One thing I stressed to Matt was that I really took Beth Moore’s words to heart about giving all my anxiety to God and leaving it there. In a nutshell, she was saying how anxiety can destroy our lives. We become a mess and can make a mess of the people around us with our anxiety. I am 30 and I don’t want to be an anxious adult, raising anxious children, and passing my anxiety on to my husband. If I’m the child of God I claim to be, it’s high time I start acting like it and take God’s word and promises to heart and give Him the cares that keep me up at night. And by beginning to do that, I’ve been sleeping like a baby (as much as my actual baby will let me) at night. I even started exercising and changing my eating habits and I feel better!

I’m learning to chill out! I’m learning to be less anxious because that anxiety destroys and it kills. God did not put me on this earth to be chained down by what people did or didn’t do, by what did happen or didn’t happen. That chain falls off when I inhale all that makes me anxious and exhale all that is Jesus.

By overthinking things a lot less and relaxing a lot more know God is in control, I’m enjoying life more and rejoicing when things work out better than Matt or I could imagine!

Turning Points

Lately, life hasn’t been working out the way I would like for it to. And naturally, it’s easy to look at the worst, but today I realized that life isn’t working out the way I want it to for the best. A lot has been happening that isn’t allowing me to get comfortable. With comfort comes complacency and motivation can become very hard to obtain.

I have the time (in between wrangling two children) to work on the creative endeavors I have been wanting to get to now. It’s the starting point where it’s important to not be discouraged, but to keep working every single day towards the one thing I want the most. And that is to be my own boss. It’s hard work, but it allows me to generate an income doing what I love and lets me spend time with my children. I set my schedule, instead of others setting it for me.

I have the time to read and write and create. Sure, I have to squeeze that time in between taking care of Savannah and Austin, but I have the time. I’m beginning to see the positives and that is making all the difference.

That’s all for this post! I’ll try and have something more elaborate later!

The Audacity of Planning

I absolutely love when something that was just covered in Bible Study plays out in real life for me! Yes, sarcasm was intended!

Now, something happened that didn’t sit well with me (it all worked out though) and I handled it just like my two-year-old would, only there were five dollar curse words involved (Jesus is still working on me) and an obscene amount of tears. Now, as previously stated in parenthesis, everything did work out. But it was in the moments that it seemed like it wasn’t going to work out, I learned some things about myself…

-I’m pretty arrogant. More arrogant than I wanted to admit to…

-I’m pretty selfish. I need to stop being so quick to see how I’m affected by a situation when there are other people involved…

-I’m a professional at overreacting. I never stopped to think that there are other solutions to the “problems” I’m having…

But the biggest thing I learned about myself is that I’m quick to forget to trust God and whatever He has planned. I’m very quick to take matters into my own hands and then I make them worse than they originally would have been! But again, this is one time where everything did work out even when it looked like it wouldn’t!

But what happens when I’m bold enough to think that the plans of Krystal are a match for the plans of God and I lose (obviously!)? See, I tend to forget that God’s ways are higher than mine and even when it doesn’t feel like it, He intends for my good and His glory. I always intend for my good and my glory. I take my eyes off trusting God when everything is going the way I want. But what happens when I truly and boldly lay out plans with the mindset that I can control the outcome and then everything that’s out of my control happens and all my plans fall apart and cannot be salvaged? That’s when I’ll see what my faith is made of. And while I would like to proudly state my first thought would be to trust God, I know that sadly, that won’t be the case. I will get upset first. And then I will kick and scream and curse and cry and probably drink a bottle of wine (I’m a mess, I know, but remember work in progress at giving Jesus the wheel).

I don’t want to be the kind of Christian that becomes so comfortable in life that I forget my faith lies in Christ and not in myself. I don’t want to become so comfortable that I think I’m in control and forget that it’s God who really is. How I respond to everything that happens is what will tell the story of my character and faith. And while I’m at the seventh grade level of being a Christian, I’ve come a long way and I still have a long way to go. But I’m thankful for the reminders to trust God. And I’m thankful for the reminders to be humble because there’s nothing appealing about arrogance!

The Creative Just Got Real!

Matt is by far the best husband!!! Lately I’ve completely taken over the dining room to work on my various art projects. And it’s become a bit of a pain, just kidding, it’s become a massive pain having my art supplies all over the place and trying to keep a section of the table clean for Savannah! So the solution to this creative problem was to get more creative! Matt suggested taking a section of our bedroom and turning it into my makeshift art studio. Apparently he made this suggestion when I was pregnant with Austin, but courtesy of pregnancy brain, I don’t remember.

Anyway, I had to purge myself of a lot of books to make part of this project happen! But that’s what libraries are for, right? Feed the reading habit without books taking over such a tiny space! And in the process of becoming more organized for this work space, I really have to examine what I do and don’t need. For example, I have at least fifteen black Sharpies. I don’t need that many and most of them are a carry over from my days as a Starbucks partner. So getting rid of little things like that surprisingly make a big difference in attaining more space of what I do need! I’m still working on convincing myself that I need to keep certain things because I’ll eventually use them. Nope, I have to stick to my new rule with stuff for 2019: “If it ain’t being used and it ain’t getting used, give it away!”

It’s going to be nice having a designated work space for my art and my writing! I’m looking forward to my biggest concern being paint on the wall or carpet and not Savannah potentially grabbing something she shouldn’t. Which, I’ll give her credit for a two-year-old, she doesn’t care to mess with paint! It’s too messy for her liking! But like I was saying, it’ll be nice to close the door (when Matt’s home), watch painting tutorials on YouTube (I prefer that to reading), and get better at painting with acrylics and watercolors. I don’t plan on making this creative endeavor my sole source of income, but I would like for it to be a paid hobby! I just like to create and more than that, I’m glad we found a space in our 972 square foot apartment for me to do that and be able to spread out a bit! Even if it is in the master bedroom!

So here’s to an awesome husband and to being more creative!

Materialism Purge 2.0

And the time has come again where I need to get rid of stuff around the apartment. This will be the second purge of material possessions in less than a year! There’s just too much stuff! And between Savannah and Austin and all the toys the two have accumulated, there needs to be a balance! I feel at the age of 30 I’m mature enough to get rid of things I no longer use to make room for toys!

But seriously, I have a lot of crap that is in good condition and could be put to proper use by other people. Some things can be sold, some things can be donated, other things can just be given away! It’s beginning to make less sense to hold onto things that I haven’t used in over six months and won’t get to using in another six months. That is my new personal rule: if it ain’t being used and it ain’t getting used, give it away!

I want my home to feel like a home! The only clutter I want to dig through are my childrens’ toys. So this next will be an interesting one! Hopefully I’ll be able to get to my desk by the time I’m done!

Just Write and Go

Okay, so now I’m presently at Urban Standard in Birmingham. I went to Seeds Coffee first, but they were completely busy and there was nowhere to sit. So here I am, trying a new coffeehouse while spending a day in Birmingham. I’ve done a lot of driving around and I have to admit, I’m appreciating Huntsville so much more! Huntsville definitely feels like home since I’m away from it!

Anyway, being at another coffeehouse has led me to another conclusion: I don’t need to put some kind of schedule to my blog posting. Just write the words and then post the words and let people read the words! That definitely takes the brain work out of it all. Instead of overthinking the process, I’ll just go with it. That’s basically how my time in Birmingham has been going. One thing doesn’t work as expected, I’ll just go to the next thing. Being open to things going wrong has made things interesting. For today, I don’t mind it so much because all I’m doing is finding places to drink coffee.

But even in coffee drinking, I’m taking little lessons and putting them on a grander scale. So here are a few things I’ve learned today:

  1. Not everything is going to go as planned. Throwing tantrums won’t solve anything. Plus, I have a two year old and her tantrums are enough!
  2. Stop overthinking things. Work smarter, not harder, especially when the solution is simple.
  3. Have fun with what I’m doing!
  4. Let setbacks be setups for something greater! So cliché, but whatever!

So far, I’ve had a pretty productive day! I’ve got more writing done today than I have in awhile! Also, being in the car for an extended period of time has given me the opportunity to work on my vocals too!

Oh, The Words I Could Write

My present location is The Red Cat Coffeehouse in Birmingham. My original plan was to go to the Birmingham Museum of Art first and then pick a coffeehouse to hang out in. But plans don’t always go the way we want, so I’m sitting in my favorite coffeehouse in Birmingham and I’m doing some much needed writing. I’ll pick a day of the week to have my littles watched and then come up to Birmingham and visit the museum when it isn’t so busy.

So, it’s nice to be out of my comfort zone. I’m out of my messy, cozy apartment. I’m out of my city. I’m away from my usual distractions and all I can think is, “Yay, let’s write!” When I’m not writing, I’m doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve had a lot of time to, once again, figure out what I want my blog focus to be! It’s pretty obvious too: my adventures as a stay-at-home mom! There’s never a dull moment in the Pezzulo household and I need to document my shenanigans more often. I’m far from perfect as a wife and mother. I don’t care about sharing my flaws and I definitely don’t care about who will say what based on my highs and lows in my everyday life!

I’m enjoying a very delicious drink called The Persian and I’m excited to think about all the things I could write about today! The real challenge though is finding the time to write between Austin spitting up on me and cleaning up whatever mess Savannah decided to make while drinking water out of her sippy cup!

Challenge accepted for getting more writing done while keeping my children alive! Today is a breeze to write because I don’t have any distractions. But today is again my starting point to become more consistent with my writing!

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