Well, it’s a new year. Fourteen days into a new year and I’m finally sitting down to do some serious writing. Well, as serious as my mood will allow me to be. There are a lot of words in me that I would like to get down on paper or typed. It’s been a bit difficult though because I’ve been adjusting to life with two children. And at this point, I would much rather sleep than write. But I’m kid free for the next couple of days, so I’m going to enjoy the opportunity to work on some creative endeavors.
I probably won’t accomplish it, but I probably will, but I would like to get some kind of writing going on a novel. Or even finish the couple I attempted last year, but failed at because well, pregnancy. No more pregnancies though. So life as I know it will gradually fall into a rhythm that will allow me to write more!
Right now, my writing is crap. I’m definitely out of practice and I’m okay with that. It’s motivation to make time to write, even while balancing life with Savannah and Austin.
This will be a year of writing for me. Writing and reading as well because the more I read, the more I want to write.
Okay, I’m done babbling in this post. Maybe the next one will be better!
So by the grace of God have I survived this past month. I knew it was going to be an adjustment for Savannah once Austin was born, but I underestimated how much of an effect it would have on her. I know every child reacts differently to things. When my little brother was born, I was excited and couldn’t wait to hold him. Depending on which way the wind is blowing, Savannah may or may not be excited about her brother’s existence. Some moments she’s announcing his diaper change while I’m changing his diaper. Other moments she’s trying to take down the Christmas tree or slap me because I can’t immediately give her the attention she wants. It’s all expected and I’m handling it with a lot of patience, prayer, and the occasional very stern mom voice.
But let’s throw something else into this lovely equation of going from one child to two. Savannah is two. And she’s in that sweet spot of being a two year old where all hell can break loose at any given moment and I forget to call on the name of Jesus and ask Him to take the wheel. She lets off screams at decibels that shouldn’t exist. She’s a tornado, hurricane, and tsunami all in one when making a mess. She’s a freaking bottomless pit who eats more cereal and chicken nuggets than a grown-up. She treats naptime and bedtime like it’s a capital punishment. And she tends to have monopoly on my iPad with ABC Mouse and on the television with Mickey and the Roadster Racers. Meanwhile, Austin is either noisily sleeping or noisily eating. My desire for a third child went out the window in my second trimester of pregnancy with Austin. But now that he’s here, the idea of making him a middle child has been obliterated! I’m thankful for my daughter and son.
I know one day I’ll look up and Savannah will be off to college and Austin will be asking if he can have her room. I know the days are long and the years are short. And as stressful as it can be raising tiny human beings, I wouldn’t trade any of these moments away for anything. Sure, I wish Savannah would be less of a daredevil and listen more. And yes, I wish she would stop taking my food, but one day I’m going to look up and she will a civilized human being who’s ready to take on the world. And a day will come when Austin sleeps through the night and he’ll be crawling behind Savannah trying to keep up. I’ll have to endure his terrible two phase and I’ll probably want to relocate him to his grandparents permanently, but the day will come when he’s a grown man with a family of his own.
One thing is definitely for sure though. I won’t be in short supply of writing material anytime soon!
How often have we found ourselves focusing on things that don’t matter? We take the little things and make them big things and lose sight of what’s important. I know I’m guilty of it. And I do it more often than I’d like to admit. It’s just so easy to do. And for myself, the solution is simple, but typically, I make it a big deal.
Caring less. That’s what I’m learning to do. The things that are not important, I’m learning to care much less about them. They take up unnecessary thought space and take away from the things that need to be focused on. And sure, I can go into details about the things that aren’t important, but that list would look different for each person.
In the short two years since giving birth to Savannah, I quickly forgot about the sleepless nights situation. Now, fast forward to my precious three-week-old son, Austin, and I’m quickly refreshed on how many nights I won’t be getting any sleep. I mean thankfully, I have enough coffee to run my own coffee shop if I wanted, but still a few hours of sleep won’t hurt either.
And speaking of sleep, Savannah and Austin are both taking a nap right now and instead of being sleep myself, I’m writing this blog and eating the cold chicken nuggets and fries Savannah didn’t want to finish for her lunch. Yes, I’m complaining about being tired, but not taking advantage of a prime opportunity to get some rest. I’m weird like that. Also, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet, save a few grunts from Austin as he passes gas in his sleep. I’m glad he’s cute and adorable!
Anyway, it was about four months before Savannah fully started sleeping through the night. So, I’m hoping that Austin follows the same timeline, but he probably won’t because every child is different. All right, I’m going to go to sleep now. Maybe I’ll get ten straight minutes of sleep before one of my littles decides to wake up!
I like scrolling through social media. Facebook and Instagram are my favorite to scroll through. Facebook has a tendency to annoy me at times, but then there are times where my timeline is pretty hilarious. But still, I can find myself losing track of time on Instagram and Facebook.
One thing I’ve stopped doing though is comparing myself and my life to what other people are posting on their social media feeds. I mean it’s very easy to post the highlights of our lives. It’s very easy to make ourselves something we aren’t when it comes to our social media accounts. I’ve fallen into that trap. But now, I simply don’t care. I’ve learned how to appreciate what people are sharing about their lives without feeling like I have to get out there and do the same thing. I’ve stopped envying people based on what they put on social media. Many times we’re all different people when we log off our Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook accounts.
I’ve also stopped caring about what other people are doing on social media because they basically post everything. It’s like nothing is off limits. That genuinely irritates me too. But whatever, we’re all allowed to do what we choose to do with our social media accounts. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to follow it. Easy as that. Gotta love simple solutions to the things that bother us. And again, I used to be that person who posted everything on social media. The more likes, the more accepted I felt. But that’s wrong. When I realized that I tied my self-worth to number of likes I got, I knew it was time for me to change my perspective on why I wanted to use social media.
Over the past few years, I’ve learned to stop being jealous of what people are doing with their lives and sharing on social media. I’ve also learned to stop feeling inadequate because I wasn’t doing the same things as other people. And I’ve stopped posting things just for the sake of likes. If there’s something I want to do, then I’ll do it. And if there’s a place I want to go, then I’ll go. My favorite feature on Instagram is the stories. I can share something and it’s gone within 24 hours. I don’t need to post everything on social media to prove it happened. As my mindsets have changed in regards to social media, I’ve been able to enjoy scrolling through my feeds without feeling like I’m not doing anything with my life. I mean I’m not (just kidding) but I’ve learned to appreciate the lives other people live while loving my own.
I tend to come up with some great things to write when the words are swirling around in my head. But when it comes time to actually write the words down or type them out, all the words become impossible to transfer over from my mind.
I have this fear that if I write down what’s really going through my head, I’ll see myself in a different light. I’ll be introduced to a side of myself that should be taken seriously. Being a kid at heart is fine and all, but I find that I do tend to show my adult side when writing. There’s nothing wrong with that side. I need to embrace that side of me even more.
I also have this fear of people’s reactions to my words. It’s okay to care, but I care too much! Not everyone is going to like my writing. I need to be okay with that. I have to write for myself first and then share my words from there. I can’t please everyone and that isn’t my goal, but I still let my thoughts get the better of me.
The words that scare me (for whatever reason at the time) simply need to be written one word at a time. I have a lot that I want to say. I have a lot that I want to share. I don’t want to be scared of being myself. I don’t want to be scared to learn about myself along the way as I get better with my writing. I don’t want to be scared to learn about others along the way as I get better with my writing. I just have to face whatever scares me head on with my writing and find assurance that things will work out for the better more than for the worst.
When I first thought of this title, I thought out some deep profound sentences to string together. But then I realized, I didn’t feel like sounding deep and profound, so I put the brakes on writing this blog piece.
Finding myself on the same hamster wheel and never really getting anywhere is starting to really work my nerves. In other words, I’m getting irritated with myself. I’ve never met a more indecisive person than myself. I mean the fact that I’m married is a miracle because I tend to have commitment issues. Yes, this is a new found revelation. Everything I’m good at and everything I’m passionate about are the things I’m always questioning. It would appear that sticking to what I’m good at scares me because what if I *gasp* succeed at what I’m really good at?!
I’m all for keeping my options open and placing eggs in multiple baskets. But I’m too open with my options. And I’ve got eggs in too many baskets. I’m just running that hamster wheel, thinking I’m going somewhere and I’m still in the same place. Oh how annoyed I find myself with myself.
And I know you’re probably thinking, “Krystal, stop being so hard on yourself. It takes some people years to figure things out.” And I’d say, “I guess so!” followed by a half-shoulder shrug.
The point is, I need to break this cycle of making one decision only to think another decision is more appealing. I need to focus on that which I was created to love and follow that path. And not only follow that path, but stay on it regardless of what is waiting for me.