Size Sexy

If there was one thing I absolutely hated hearing after giving birth to Savannah and Austin was this, “You don’t even look like you had a baby. You make me sick.” And then there was the variation of, “You disgust me. I still have baby weight. You don’t even look like you had a baby.”

Now, for the record, yes, I know I irritate a lot of women. After I gave birth to Savannah, I weighed less than before I was pregnant. After I gave birth to Austin, I may have retained a couple of pounds. Here’s the thing though, before giving birth to children, my weight maintained at about 137 pounds. After giving birth to Austin, I went up to 160 pounds. At the present moment, I’m at 154 pounds. And again, I can hear some women saying, while rolling their eyes, “Big deal!” Well, here’s the thing again, IT IS A BIG DEAL!!! I have always had a high metabolism, I have always maintained an active lifestyle, and my pant size never went above a size seven depending on the brand of the jeans. The comments of “you make me sick” were a big deal because I was not handling my post baby body very well. I didn’t like how I looked, I didn’t like how I felt, my clothes didn’t fit the way they used to, and I had to do the one thing I don’t like doing, and that’s shop for new clothes, especially jeans. My size seven jeans shot up to a size 11 and I had to learn how to be okay with that.

Words hurt. And when hormones are all over the place, back-ass-ward “compliments” like “You don’t look like you had a baby” don’t help. I may not look like I had a baby almost five months ago, but I see it everyday when I look in the mirror. I feel it when shirts are still too tight and jeans don’t want to cooperate. The statements of “You disgust me” don’t help because I felt very disgusted with how I looked when I was in front of a mirror. In conclusion, women just need to learn how to keep their vain thoughts to themselves. Like I said, yes, I know I irritate a lot of women because the only weight I gained was the baby itself. But I don’t need to hear that when the theme song to some show on Disney Junior brings me to tears. I don’t need to hear it at all. No women does. From one woman to many other women, if your words sound like you’re about to make another woman feel bad about herself, then shut all the way! Figure out a way to keep the words from coming out of your mouth.

It doesn’t matter what a woman’s body type is, words like “You disgust me” are hurtful. They will always be hurtful. To have the mindset that you “disgust” other women because of your body type is not a healthy mindset to have. So get rid of it. Embrace your sexy, whatever that may be to you.

I plan to lose some more weight and I plan to get back in shape. That also means I need to change my eating habits. I want to be healthy and have the necessary energy to keep up with two small children who don’t like to keep still. I don’t cringe as much as I used to when I look at myself in the mirror. But I have started reminding myself that I am beautiful. And I believe my husband when he tells me I am beautiful.

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Girl, Chill

So, I am very good at overthinking just about everything. It’s quite the talent. If you need any pointers on how to be a professional over thinker, just let me know and I’ll be more than happy to help!

Now in saying that, we’ve begun a series in Bible Study watching Beth Moore’s “The Basket Case” and man, two weeks in and I already feel myself being less anxious about the things around me. Actually after the first week, I was so calm, my response to my husband, Matt, over a text message started a thread of argumentative responses that ended with me crying over the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I was making for my two-year-old, Savannah. Not to mention my five month old, Austin, was waking up from his nap and the last thing I needed to do was become undone because my husband fired off some “mean” responses. Remember, I’m an over thinker and the last thing I needed to do was work myself up thinking of some responses to fire back at the love of my life. I did have the final word by using his words against him and agreeing that in the moment he was being the bad guy after the text before that told him he made me cry…

Twenty minutes after I told him he was the bad guy, he text back asking if I wanted him to bring me coffee home and of course I said, “Yes!” Here’s the crazy thing though, I was calm when I responded. I didn’t feel my anxiety rise at the thought of him coming home and round two taking place! It turned into a civil conversation and he saw where the misunderstanding came on his part. And I realized that my calm demeanor didn’t really translate well in text. It came across as a little passive and I really wasn’t going for that.

One thing I stressed to Matt was that I really took Beth Moore’s words to heart about giving all my anxiety to God and leaving it there. In a nutshell, she was saying how anxiety can destroy our lives. We become a mess and can make a mess of the people around us with our anxiety. I am 30 and I don’t want to be an anxious adult, raising anxious children, and passing my anxiety on to my husband. If I’m the child of God I claim to be, it’s high time I start acting like it and take God’s word and promises to heart and give Him the cares that keep me up at night. And by beginning to do that, I’ve been sleeping like a baby (as much as my actual baby will let me) at night. I even started exercising and changing my eating habits and I feel better!

I’m learning to chill out! I’m learning to be less anxious because that anxiety destroys and it kills. God did not put me on this earth to be chained down by what people did or didn’t do, by what did happen or didn’t happen. That chain falls off when I inhale all that makes me anxious and exhale all that is Jesus.

By overthinking things a lot less and relaxing a lot more know God is in control, I’m enjoying life more and rejoicing when things work out better than Matt or I could imagine!

Materialism Purge 2.0

And the time has come again where I need to get rid of stuff around the apartment. This will be the second purge of material possessions in less than a year! There’s just too much stuff! And between Savannah and Austin and all the toys the two have accumulated, there needs to be a balance! I feel at the age of 30 I’m mature enough to get rid of things I no longer use to make room for toys!

But seriously, I have a lot of crap that is in good condition and could be put to proper use by other people. Some things can be sold, some things can be donated, other things can just be given away! It’s beginning to make less sense to hold onto things that I haven’t used in over six months and won’t get to using in another six months. That is my new personal rule: if it ain’t being used and it ain’t getting used, give it away!

I want my home to feel like a home! The only clutter I want to dig through are my childrens’ toys. So this next will be an interesting one! Hopefully I’ll be able to get to my desk by the time I’m done!

Just Write and Go

Okay, so now I’m presently at Urban Standard in Birmingham. I went to Seeds Coffee first, but they were completely busy and there was nowhere to sit. So here I am, trying a new coffeehouse while spending a day in Birmingham. I’ve done a lot of driving around and I have to admit, I’m appreciating Huntsville so much more! Huntsville definitely feels like home since I’m away from it!

Anyway, being at another coffeehouse has led me to another conclusion: I don’t need to put some kind of schedule to my blog posting. Just write the words and then post the words and let people read the words! That definitely takes the brain work out of it all. Instead of overthinking the process, I’ll just go with it. That’s basically how my time in Birmingham has been going. One thing doesn’t work as expected, I’ll just go to the next thing. Being open to things going wrong has made things interesting. For today, I don’t mind it so much because all I’m doing is finding places to drink coffee.

But even in coffee drinking, I’m taking little lessons and putting them on a grander scale. So here are a few things I’ve learned today:

  1. Not everything is going to go as planned. Throwing tantrums won’t solve anything. Plus, I have a two year old and her tantrums are enough!
  2. Stop overthinking things. Work smarter, not harder, especially when the solution is simple.
  3. Have fun with what I’m doing!
  4. Let setbacks be setups for something greater! So cliché, but whatever!

So far, I’ve had a pretty productive day! I’ve got more writing done today than I have in awhile! Also, being in the car for an extended period of time has given me the opportunity to work on my vocals too!

Oh, The Words I Could Write

My present location is The Red Cat Coffeehouse in Birmingham. My original plan was to go to the Birmingham Museum of Art first and then pick a coffeehouse to hang out in. But plans don’t always go the way we want, so I’m sitting in my favorite coffeehouse in Birmingham and I’m doing some much needed writing. I’ll pick a day of the week to have my littles watched and then come up to Birmingham and visit the museum when it isn’t so busy.

So, it’s nice to be out of my comfort zone. I’m out of my messy, cozy apartment. I’m out of my city. I’m away from my usual distractions and all I can think is, “Yay, let’s write!” When I’m not writing, I’m doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve had a lot of time to, once again, figure out what I want my blog focus to be! It’s pretty obvious too: my adventures as a stay-at-home mom! There’s never a dull moment in the Pezzulo household and I need to document my shenanigans more often. I’m far from perfect as a wife and mother. I don’t care about sharing my flaws and I definitely don’t care about who will say what based on my highs and lows in my everyday life!

I’m enjoying a very delicious drink called The Persian and I’m excited to think about all the things I could write about today! The real challenge though is finding the time to write between Austin spitting up on me and cleaning up whatever mess Savannah decided to make while drinking water out of her sippy cup!

Challenge accepted for getting more writing done while keeping my children alive! Today is a breeze to write because I don’t have any distractions. But today is again my starting point to become more consistent with my writing!

Kid Free Kind of Day

It has definitely been a good day. It’s amazing what ten-plus hours of sleep can do for a person! And the silence of not hearing a crying baby and a screaming toddler is pretty nice too. Although, admittedly, I do miss the noise, but only a little. It’s just been nice to have a break and remember what it feels like to sleep and eat food while it’s still hot. What else has been cool is being able to just leave without having two tiny humans tagging along. It was weird, just walking out the door by myself, but still nice!

Now don’t get me wrong, I love Savannah and Austin, but it has been nice to get in bed and stay there unless I have to go to the bathroom! But staying in bed wasn’t that hard last night because I decided it would be a good idea to take down an entire bottle of Riesling. I remember everything I did last night, so I didn’t get plastered. However, I did have a lot of fun dancing in the kitchen and painting. Now, never again will I drink an entire bottle of wine by myself in one evening. Next time, I’ll stretch it over two.

I had fun jumping on the couch this afternoon, just because I could. I see why Savannah loves jumping on the couch more than the beds, but I still have to be a responsible adult and tell her

not to jump on either one. Shoot, I almost fell off the couch while jumping on it. That would be very fun to explain if I did fall and definitely hurt something.

Right now, I’m a 30 year old, sitting in her favorite coffee shop working on this blog and maybe a little more writing before heading home and doing something else stupid like laundry and cleaning the kitchen! I cherish these days. They remind me that I love my children, but I also love my me time!

Random Thought: Care Less, Then More

How often have we found ourselves focusing on things that don’t matter? We take the little things and make them big things and lose sight of what’s important. I know I’m guilty of it. And I do it more often than I’d like to admit. It’s just so easy to do. And for myself, the solution is simple, but typically, I make it a big deal.

Caring less. That’s what I’m learning to do. The things that are not important, I’m learning to care much less about them. They take up unnecessary thought space and take away from the things that need to be focused on. And sure, I can go into details about the things that aren’t important, but that list would look different for each person.

Social Media Comparison

I like scrolling through social media. Facebook and Instagram are my favorite to scroll through. Facebook has a tendency to annoy me at times, but then there are times where my timeline is pretty hilarious. But still, I can find myself losing track of time on Instagram and Facebook.

One thing I’ve stopped doing though is comparing myself and my life to what other people are posting on their social media feeds. I mean it’s very easy to post the highlights of our lives. It’s very easy to make ourselves something we aren’t when it comes to our social media accounts. I’ve fallen into that trap. But now, I simply don’t care. I’ve learned how to appreciate what people are sharing about their lives without feeling like I have to get out there and do the same thing. I’ve stopped envying people based on what they put on social media. Many times we’re all different people when we log off our Instagram, Snapchat, and Facebook accounts.

I’ve also stopped caring about what other people are doing on social media because they basically post everything. It’s like nothing is off limits. That genuinely irritates me too. But whatever, we’re all allowed to do what we choose to do with our social media accounts. If I don’t like it, I don’t have to follow it. Easy as that. Gotta love simple solutions to the things that bother us. And again, I used to be that person who posted everything on social media. The more likes, the more accepted I felt. But that’s wrong. When I realized that I tied my self-worth to number of likes I got, I knew it was time for me to change my perspective on why I wanted to use social media.

Over the past few years, I’ve learned to stop being jealous of what people are doing with their lives and sharing on social media. I’ve also learned to stop feeling inadequate because I wasn’t doing the same things as other people. And I’ve stopped posting things just for the sake of likes. If there’s something I want to do, then I’ll do it. And if there’s a place I want to go, then I’ll go. My favorite feature on Instagram is the stories. I can share something and it’s gone within 24 hours. I don’t need to post everything on social media to prove it happened. As my mindsets have changed in regards to social media, I’ve been able to enjoy scrolling through my feeds without feeling like I’m not doing anything with my life. I mean I’m not (just kidding) but I’ve learned to appreciate the lives other people live while loving my own.

The Words that Scare Me

I tend to come up with some great things to write when the words are swirling around in my head. But when it comes time to actually write the words down or type them out, all the words become impossible to transfer over from my mind.

I have this fear that if I write down what’s really going through my head, I’ll see myself in a different light. I’ll be introduced to a side of myself that should be taken seriously. Being a kid at heart is fine and all, but I find that I do tend to show my adult side when writing. There’s nothing wrong with that side. I need to embrace that side of me even more.

I also have this fear of people’s reactions to my words. It’s okay to care, but I care too much! Not everyone is going to like my writing. I need to be okay with that. I have to write for myself first and then share my words from there. I can’t please everyone and that isn’t my goal, but I still let my thoughts get the better of me.

The words that scare me (for whatever reason at the time) simply need to be written one word at a time. I have a lot that I want to say. I have a lot that I want to share. I don’t want to be scared of being myself. I don’t want to be scared to learn about myself along the way as I get better with my writing. I don’t want to be scared to learn about others along the way as I get better with my writing. I just have to face whatever scares me head on with my writing and find assurance that things will work out for the better more than for the worst.

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